On Shitty First Drafts

I think one mistake many of us in recovery from compulsive overeating make is to expect newcomers to have the same kind of abstinence that we ourselves have after years or even decades in the program. 

This got me into trouble when I was a newcomer. I saw the people who had what I want, and I saw what they did, and I just couldn't pull it off from the jump. I was setting myself up for failure. 

What has worked for me is a very gradual approach.

One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott, who is not only a wonderful memoirist but also a gifted writer about writing. She has a concept she calls "the shitty first draft," and this is what she says about in Bird by Bird:

Another thing Anne Lamott says is "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft."

When I was new to Overeaters Anonymous, I knew I wanted to make changes, but I became obsessed with doing it perfectly. Having the perfect food plan, working the perfect fourth step, giving the perfect share, finding the perfect sponsor, and so on. 

One day, about three months into OA, I was talking to my friend B after a meeting and telling her that I was seeing a nutritionist who wanted me on a strict, weighed and measured food plan with lots and lots of restricted categories of food. I was afraid that so many rules would kick off the undereating side of my disorder, which is just as devious and dangerous as the binge eating side. I was paralyzed by not knowing what to do. 

B reminded me of the words of Anne Lamott, and suggested that I just pick something and try it for awhile, considering it a shitty first draft of abstinence.

Eureka!

This is a language I speak, and I felt instantly more peaceful since thinking about my abstinence in this way. I don't have to be perfect, but I should constantly try to do a little better. I don't have to follow other people's rules, but I should check out changes with someone else.

Here was my shitty first draft of abstinence: No alcohol. Nothing with sugar in the first four ingredients. That's it. I picked it in conjunction with a sponsor. It got me clean enough to begin work on the steps, and working the steps eventually made me want to get more clean. 

No sugar or alcohol was my shitty first draft at abstinence, and it felt very freeing and like a huge psychic load had been lifted. What I wanted in the early days was to be eating cleanly enough that the veil between me and my higher power is lifted without creating a new veil resulting from obsessive behaviors. What I wanted was to have enough mental energy to work the steps without spending it all wondering if I'm eating the right food. What I wanted was to have a flexible and changing abstinence that is dictated by what is best for me, not what my disease wants for me.

Now, I will be honest and say that it didn't work forever. I did no alcohol and no sugar for months and felt great, but ate whatever else I wanted. I was still overeating, but not with the same compulsive mania that I'd had before. But I started to feel better and wanted more of the better. 

I will also be honest and point out that the definition of abstinence in OA is refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working toward or maintaining a healthy body weight. And I was still eating compulsively, but I was getting better.

For so many people, this is a black and white program. But black and white thinking is part of my disease and does not serve me today. Who knows where I will be when I have 30 years under my belt, which I hope I do someday. 

My second draft of abstinence was three meals a day and no snacks. This was revolutionary for me, and I figured out that snacking was a very compulsive behavior for me, and I felt so much better without it.  Still no sugar or alcohol.

My third draft was taking out second servings. So I was eating no sugar, no alcohol, three meals a day, no snacks and no seconds. 

This worked for me for a long time. But I wanted to lose more weight, and I went back to the nutritionist who gave me a weighed and measured food plan with no dairy, flour of any kind, etc. I started my fourth draft and got a little crazy. I started skipping breakfast to lose more weight, faster. I was weighing myself three times a day: morning, noon, and night. 

I confessed to my sponsor that I didn't think it was working for me, even though the nutritionist just kept saying I needed to surrender more to her food plan. My sponsor agreed, and I went back to my previous draft. 

Over the years, I have added more things to my abstinent food list. I no longer use caffeine or fake sweeteners of any kind.  I could safely eat potato chips for a long time without bingeing on them . . . until I couldn't. I don't eat anything out of a bag. I even started weighing and measuring again about a year ago, and it's working for me this time (I believe because it was motivated by a desire for peace of mind rather than a desire for weight loss). 

These have been gradual changes that revealed themselves to me as I experienced more serenity and wanted even more peace. If I had been told on day one that I had to surrender all those things in order to work the steps, I couldn't have done it. And yet I have done it, in God's time. And I'm sure I have more coming for me (uggghhhh I just know I'm gonna have to give up decaf soon. It is becoming a problem. But I don't wanna do it yet! I am praying for willingness). 

Now that I sponsor, I ask sponsees to take an honest look at their addictive foods and food behaviors, and I ask them to give up something just to put a stake in the ground. Maybe it's sugar or chips, or maybe it's eating from the drive through or at night or . . . it's whatever is causing them the most pain that they're willing to tackle. I ask them to do this in prayer and meditation, asking to be shown what they need to see at this time. I don't make them give up everything right away, and we start working the steps even if they are still discovering some things that don't work for them. I want them to see some success and have some faith in the program.

I know many sponsors won't do this. They want people to be 100% clean before they work the steps. I understand and respect that approach, but it hasn't been my journey. My personal experience is that I've worked the steps five times so far, and I've gotten something new out of it each time. Getting clean helps the steps soak in, and working the steps makes me want to be more clean. That's the way it's worked for me. Therefore, when I'm sponsoring someone and they slip, we don't go back to step one unless it's a long-term relapse. 

It feels vulnerable to share my experience because it feels like it's in some middle ground I don't hear a lot about. I know a lot of people who are way stricter than me and a lot that are way less strict than me. But I have a lot of peace and freedom now, and this is how I've done it. All I have to share is my personal experience, and I hope it helps someone else.