Struck Abstinent

Getting abstinent the first time was not what I had planned.

I started going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings on Friday, August 14th, 2015. I came to OA after six months of being completely unable to control my eating for even a full day for the first time I could remember. I was at the highest weight of my life (that I'm aware of, at least) of about 260.

I decided I would go to some meetings, play it by ear, see what happened. I had resolved not to jump in and do everything 110% like I did every other diet. Then I remembered my goal to greet my 40th birthday (February of 2016) from a place of health, and, let's face it, a smaller body was super important to me too.

I decided (every good recovery story starts with "I decided") I would have a marvelous three-day binge and say goodbye to all the foods I will never eat again. (I knew intellectually that I was supposed to be doing this whole "one day at a time" thing to trick myself into not getting hung up on giving something up forever. However, I also saw people in my meetings who hadn't had sugar in 20 years, so I knew that was the long game. My mama didn't raise no fool.)

I planned to start my abstinence Wednesday, 8/19 after a three-day binge and a Tuesday night party where I wanted to drink a lot and eat dessert.

I wasn't happy about giving up sugar, and I wasn't sure I could do it. I thought I might as well eat every last thing my heart desired just in case it stuck.

Sunday, I attended three parties and ate everything I wanted and drank beer at the last one.

Monday, I stopped at Wawa AFTER MY OA MEETING (am I the only one who is so fucking stressed out after an OA meeting that I want to eat and eat and eat? Surely I cannot be) and bought a cup of chocolate donut holes, a big bag of chocolate pretzels, a roll of Oreos a roll of golden Oreos, and two bags of trail mix for the protein. Because I have some nutritional standards, people. And I've learned that if I eat protein with a sugar binge, I feel slightly less shitty an hour later. This was, I would say, an average to moderate binge for me. Not one of my worst. (side note: the only reason I know what I bought is that I journaled about it at the time and wrote every single thing I bought and when I ate it, like, well, like an addict or something!)

There was a woman looking at the candy aisle with me--young, pretty, hugely fat. We exchanged

Source: http://memegenerator.net/instance/36328958

smiles and she said, "just looking for a little nibble of something sweet!" as if she really was going to get one thing.

I couldn't bring myself to say the same lie, but I also couldn't bring myself to get all my binge foods in front of her, so I quickly left the aisle and peeked back a few seconds later to gather my stash.

I just had a feeling she was also a compulsive overeater; I recognized myself in her. I KNEW she was gonna get five things and pretend they were for office mates or children. I KNEW she would eat them all in her car, in secret. I KNEW she would feel like shit. I KNEW her family and friends probably wondered why she was so fat when she ate like a bird in front of them.

Sure enough, at checkout, she was a few ahead of me with chocolate pretzels, cookies, candy--at least six packages of junk shit.

I suddenly felt so sad for both of us. We were two addicts, pretending not to be, at 12:30 on a Monday buying more calories than a person in a third world country eats in a week. And we were going to eat it all. I wasn't even planning to have a real lunch first, I was just going straight for the junk.

But that didn't stop me from eating. I was on my way to see a friend who was thin, healthy, and vegan, so I crammed in the donut holes. They didn't even taste good, but damned if I wasn't going to eat them if I'd planned to eat them. I ate one bag of trail mix while with the vegan, and when I got home, I basically forced myself to eat the Oreos. I've never experienced anything like this before with food I like. I didn't want them, didn't crave them, basically had to force myself to eat them. But because I'm a willful little shit, I ate them anyway.

Dinner out with my family Monday night, and I asked if I could stop and get my very favorite ice cream in the world on the way home. I got a giant cone with two huge scoops, and I really enjoyed it. My husband knew I was planning to give up sugar and that I was saying goodbye to some favorite foods, but he didn't know that I'd already eaten thousands of calories of sugar earlier that day.

Tuesday, I woke up for the last day of my 3-day planned binge, and I didn't want to do it anymore.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME?

I made it to early afternoon eating basically totally healthy; no sugar or sweets.

We were having dinner with friends that night, and I had timed the last day of my binge to include this dinner party, prepared by my friend who is amazing cook and pastry chef. We usually had a few drinks together and lots of dessert, and I found myself at 4 p.m. thinking, "I've made it this far today, what if I don't eat sweets or drink alcohol today?"

AND I DIDN'T. I kind of couldn't believe it. I passed up alcohol that I loved and I passed up M&Ms we used to play penny poker with a bunch of kids. I passed up my friend's homemade profiteroles with ice cream and mint chocolate sauce. It wasn't even that hard. It was fine, actually.

I woke up on Wednesday, August 19, 2015 on my second day of abstinence instead of my first.

I am not someone who had a one-time spiritual experience that brought me to my knees like Bill Wilson describes having in the Big Book. I have had a number of smaller, unexpected, and inexplicable spiritual experiences as a recovering compulsive overeater, and this was my first. Getting my first sponsor was another.

My last sugar binge was from a WaWa almost four years ago. It was a while before I started to work on volume and other eating issues, but giving up sugar was a huge and terrifying first step, and I still can't believe how it went down. It was purely a gift of grace; I hadn't even asked for help. I was so new, I didn't know I needed it yet.